i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
