Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
