Soap is not a condiment
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
