my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I've blown a few things in my day
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
His hands were made for my vagina.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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