The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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