His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
