ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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