i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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