Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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