Soap is not a condiment
I met the friendliest cop last night
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
