Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
