Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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