My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
