Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize