I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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