Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
