matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
