oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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