party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
