I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
