True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
