The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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