Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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