i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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