now i know why i became what i already was.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm passing your future prison.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
