omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
