He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
