4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
