I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
