I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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