If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
