sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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