i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize