i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
