I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Randomize