i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
