I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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