So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I would fuck him just for his dog
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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