just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
