woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Sorry my hands just texted you
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
