Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize