Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
