theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
How many fucks given?
0.12846
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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