cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
