My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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