i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
