just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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