I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
