I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
