I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
