i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
