i wish starbucks made bloody marys
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
