I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Send help, water and tortillas.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
