hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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