Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
