I am puke
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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