you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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