I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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