i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
