So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
i need some magic done to my vagina
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize